Dear Doolino,
I’m staying on campus for Thanksgiving break. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Homebody
Dear Homebody,
Thanksgiving, otherwise known as the Christmas pregame, is approaching. College students near and far are packing their bags and heading home for some much-needed holiday break rest. Everyone is full of life and invigorated at the thought of a nap and some video games in the comfort of their own bed. Everyone, it seems, except for you. Do not fear, my Atlanta-glued friend — there is still an entertaining Thanksgiving in store for you. Although it may not always seem like it, the hallowed Emory University campus is an excellent place for orchestrating side-quests and shenanigans. Follow me, my friend, and I will introduce you to the possibility of a slightly-more-than-mediocre Thanksgiving break.
It might surprise you to know this about me, Homebody, but your favorite undead skeleton also gets bored from time to time. Despite my superiority to everyone and everything in the universe and having no need for simple activities to fill my time, I, too, am not above experiencing the most mundane of human emotions: boredom. Because of this, I have often found that the best company is my own. Although I cannot promise the same is true for you, contemplate finding solace in your own company if you have no friends left on Emory’s campus over the turkey holiday. Have a conversation with yourself. Incite a riveting political debate in which you address both sides of the argument. Perhaps you can sing a duet from your favorite childhood movie, reflect on how those years are decades behind you and cry. You are not alone, Homebody — you have yourself.
Another potential option for passing the time is to write a list of things you are thankful for. While this is a tradition among humans that I have never put much stake in, I have found it brings mortals comfort, so perhaps it will soothe your tiny, infantile brain if you resort to tradition. You probably have a lot to be thankful for, Homebody. Maybe you have so far managed to evade the scourge of ChatGPT and write essays purely from the merit of — gasp — your own brain. Maybe you have successfully navigated PassioGo and caught every shuttle this year. Maybe you have skipped none of your 8:30 a.m. classes — or only two-thirds of them. Go you! Find the little things in your life to celebrate and be grateful for. Before you know it, you will be saying that you are grateful that you never had to leave Emory’s campus in the first place.
You could also explore the campus’ most thrilling attractions. You could visit the music den in the basement of the Schwartz Center for Performing Arts — although I would wear gloves and a hazmat suit. Some of those student bands take bonding to the extreme. If you would prefer something more outdoorsy, Lullwater Nature Preserve is a great place to start. With sun-dappled paths, brilliant red and gold trees, the idyllic chirping of birds and ripples of water, Lullwater is the perfect place to take your mind off a bleak situation. If the flock of wild geese that frequents the lake attacks you, do not fear — it is all part of the experience. And, if you are fearing for your life, you are at least not thinking about missing home.
If you are interested in a more thrilling activity than idyllic walks, that’s easy. Prank your roommate by reorganizing your entire room. Do you sleep on the left side of the room? Not anymore! Colors, clothing, furniture, you name it — it is going, going, gone and replaced. You can even use the profit from selling your roommate’s things to buy yourself something nice, which is even more of a distraction. When your roommate returns after Thanksgiving break, refer to the age-old adage of “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.” Convince them that your room has always been like this. If you really want to lean into it, call Emory’s Counseling and Psychological Services, and tell them that your friend is experiencing a break from reality. This harmless, goofy prank will be sure to have you giggling all throughout Thanksgiving break.
Of course, if all else fails, there is one final option. I warn you, though, it is drastic. You could — wait for it — study for your finals. This is a fate worse than death, I know. While studying over break may seem as utterly oxymoronic and useless as a rave in the lobby of Goodrich C. White Hall, it is better than doing nothing. Besides, think of all the pleasure you could get from going to Kaldi’s Coffee after break to laugh at your peers cramming for their exams while you have been studying for weeks and are coasting on a pumpkin-spiced latte, eight hours of sleep and your own smug ego. Motivate yourself with spite, Homebody. You will beat them all. Lock in alone.
Good luck with your journey, my friend. While it is not a very far journey, it is an emotionally taxing one, and because of that, I wish you the absolute best. Take up a hobby, read a book and, of course, if you truly feel as though you need someone to talk to, visit my statue near Asbury Circle. I cannot promise I will give you the time of day — I have many clients and many hours scheduled to admire my reflection in the mirror — but maybe, just maybe, I will bless you with my advice again. For now, entertain yourself, and always remember: Doolino knows best.
