Dear Doolino,
How do I make the top house for rush? My whole life depends on it!
Sincerely,
Fratty First-Year
Dear Fratty First-Year,
I know that rush week is coming. I can smell it. Around this time of the year, Emory University’s campus seems to emanate a pungent stench of body odor, likely from the hordes of young men releasing pheromones powered by their pure, instinctual desire to enter the second closest thing to a cult (if you want to know what the closest thing is, check the underground tunnels). It appears that you, like many others, would like the distinct honor and privilege of having a designated group of people you can call “bros for life.” Many people overthink rush when entering the system of old traditions and intimidating stares. It is quite easy to feel as though you will be judged, humiliated and ridiculed. I am not here to tell you that these fears are invalid — after all, I myself have never gone through the experience of rushing a fraternity. I prefer my company to sip on prosecco while discussing an array of famous literature and philosophical documents related to human mortality, not choke down stale beer in a basement while making asinine jokes about anything remotely phallic. However, if this is how you would like to choose to spend your days at Emory, so be it. I will do my absolute best to help you. After all, charity cases have always been of interest to me.
To start off, you must take the pressure off yourself. While it is easy to picture rush as the be-all and end-all that determines the rest of your life, that is simply not the case. No matter what happens, consider that you can find brotherhood in many places. I heard that the Emory Fencing Club is taking members, and, after all, when has brotherhood not had its tiffs? At least in that club, you can attack your brother with a sword when he angers you, as opposed to certain fraternities where your only path to revenge might be sabotaging a first date. Personally, I find physical exertion and sharp weapons to be much more cathartic. Additionally, if you end up not finding your forever home in a fraternity, imagine how much free time you will have on your hands. You could pick up a new hobby or explore Atlanta. If the city is not quite your style, I could even take you on a tour of my home, the underworld! I would be happy to assuage your grief about not getting the fraternity you want by showing you how much better you have it than the poor souls being tortured below. The possibilities are endless.
The next thing to remember is how insignificant the events during fraternity rush really are. I truly cannot think of two better descriptors for the process than “chill” and “dumb,” and I am a skeleton with a remarkably advanced lexicon. Most of the events are nothing more than a less-than-thrilling game of cornhole or a back patio chat with young men who simply want to shoot the breeze. I can almost certainly guess that at least one fraternity is hosting a night almost entirely devoted to barbecuing. It will be a sausage fest, in many senses of the phrase. Do not be afraid, Fratty First-Year. Shoot some hoops in the gym. Flip a burger or two. That is truly all the training that you need for these events.
Finally, I would like to harken back to your original question. You asked me how you could acquire the “top” house for rush. I would encourage you not to think about this matter in terms of ranking. Emory’s Greek Life should never be about obtaining the most clout, or, as you youngsters like to call it, “aura.” It should be about finding your future home. Your future brothers. That is something that goes deeper than any number on a hypothetical scoreboard. Listen to your heart, Fratty First-Year, and choose the brotherhood where you truly feel as though you belong. That is the true “top house.” I would also implore you not to listen to a certain platform called Fizz. Those braindead, screen-glued imbeciles are stealing my brand: Only I can mock Emory students and get away with it.
At the end of the day, you will find the place that is meant for you. At the end of rush, each fraternity participates in a tradition called Run the Row. In this tradition, a bunch of dudebros in ill-ironed suits will run down Eagle Row to their new homes. It is sweaty, chaotic and somewhat beautiful. That will be you. However, you have to turn away from outside influences and truly focus on the people around you. These are the people who will throw potato chips at the TV screen while watching a football game and grieving Emory’s lack of a team. These are the people who will drive you home late at night and will pick you up time and time again after each inevitable college heartbreak. These are your brothers. Look for them. And always remember, Doolino knows best.
