Dear Doolino,
My roommate is a slob! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Neat Freak
Dear Neat Freak,
Congratulations. You have been blessed beyond measure, in a way most can only dream of. I am not referring to your situation involving your subpar roommate — I will get to that in a moment. What I mean, Neat Freak, is that you are the first Emorian that I deign to respond to this academic year. Welcome back, one and all. It is I, Doolino, Emory University’s one true mascot and the funniest, handsomest and most intelligent being on these forsaken school grounds. A new school year has arrived, but, as always, one thing is the same: Someone at Emory has beef.
I understand your pain, Neat Freak. I myself am a very organized skeleton — I always thought that the way skin and hair bunched and tangled was far too cluttered, so I am beyond pleased to consist of only bones and sockets. However, living college students are not so lucky. Maybe your roommate has cultivated a stinking cesspit of leftover Kaldi’s Coffee prosciutto mozzarella sandwich scraps. Maybe, they have simply laid out their dirty laundry for the world to smell. Regardless of what exactly your roomie is doing to grate on your nerves, a messy living environment can be akin to living in my hometown, Hell — although I would choose the pits of despair over a view of pit-stained T-shirts any day. I will try my best to assuage your anger and anxieties, but be warned — curing a messy roommate can be a Herculean task.
Perhaps if you speak to your roommate in a way that they can understand, you will get through to them. As I understand it, a new form of language is all the rage among young people, which I believe your doomed generation refers to as brainrot. Your roommate could be so messy simply because their brain cannot process basic human tasks anymore. Take pity on them, dear reader. They obviously live in a state of rot. Meet your roommate at their level: Try simplifying your language. Rather than hurling insults at your roommate or texting them long, venomous paragraphs, reduce your anger to a simple “sybau” or “tspmo.” If you leave those two simple words on a Post-it note atop their festering pile of unsorted laundry, you are sure to get your message across.
You could also reach out to a resident advisor (RA). One thing to note about RAs is that they love other people’s problems. I would suggest knocking loudly on their door at 3 a.m. If they don’t answer, keep knocking over and over until they finally hear you. They do not need sleep — they are likely on call, anyway. Even if they are not on call, as a resident at Emory, it is your solemn responsibility and sacred duty to be as inconvenient and annoying as possible. If you want to be extra helpful, throw in a complaint about the broken elevator in your residence hall. They definitely did not already know that. Once your RA has opened the door, barrage them with brutal personal insults about your roommate. Insist that your RA set your slob of a roommate straight for you. If they mumble some excuse about “scheduling a meeting” or “not being on the clock right now,” insist that you will report them to Residence Life and Housing Operations and demand they are fired immediately for not acquiescing.
If harassing your RA or communicating with your roommate does not work, I fear matters are graver than I initially anticipated. You might have to execute the worst, most unimaginable maneuver of all: Befriending the slob. Perhaps you and your roommate both share a passion for getting “turnt” and lighting up the night. Your roommate might not be a blast in your place of residence, but maybe they’re the life of the party out on the town. Find something fun to do and somewhere exciting to go. Or, if you are in a more somber mood, go light candles and mourn the ghost of Veranda together, reflecting on fond memories of first-years trying to use their EmoryCards as fake IDs and nights full of shenanigans. If the two of you are more inclined to prefer a night in, consider a spirited night of charades. If you receive the word slob, simply imitate your roommate until they get the message. The two of you will share a laugh, and they might just shape up after all.
Sometimes, it is difficult to remember that the people we dislike are just that — people. Even I have a tendency to sometimes jump to conclusions despite the fact that I am glorious and perfect in every way. For example, while I will forever be at odds with that dastardly official mascot, Swoop, he is not completely birdbrained at all times. Though gargantuan, flightless and largely useless, sometimes he is not … terrible at raising campus cheer. Likely, the same is true of your roommate. Although they have some bad habits, don’t we all? They are still a person, and likely have talents, aspirations and passions, just like you. Focus on finding out those first, and then the two of you can address your shortcomings together.
Of course, if you are not a fan of sappiness, just collect a bucket of roaches from the streets of the Atlanta campus and dump it in their bed. I am not picky. Regardless, I wish you and all other Emory students embarking on a year of new living situations the best. Communicate with your peers, Swiffer your floor and always remember: Doolino knows best.
