Poem: James W. Dooley Explains the Campus-Wide Smoking Ban
I am Dooley, Dooley I am.
That Dooley! That Dooley!
I do not like that James W. Dooley–he won’t let me smoke at Emory!
He does not like those cigarettes…
Would he like them here or there?
He would not like them here or there.
In fact, he would not like them anywhere.
Can I smoke them with a goat? Can I smoke them in a boat?
“NO! NO!” he says, you cannot smoke them with a goat,
You cannot smoke them in a boat
(unless of course the boat and the goat are off campus).
Can I light one up on parents day with my mama?
Can I share one with the dalai lama?
NO! NO! You cannot smoke them with your mama
You cannot share one with the dalai lama,
(where would he keep his pack, anyway?)
Can I smoke them with noted literary character Sam-I-am?
Can I smoke them with hip hop musician and producer Will-i-am?
(maybe he would be here for a presentation on race relations or something…)
NO! NO! You cannot smoke them with noted literary character Sam-I-am!
Furthermore, you cannot smoke them with hip hop musician and producer Will-i-am, why ever reason he is on campus.
Can I smoke a cigar? Can I smoke one in my car?
NO! NO! You can’t smoke a cigar in your car! Not in a truck! Not in the DUC!
Not in the dorm! Not even while filling out a FAFSA form!!
Can I smoke them on Eagle Row? NO! Just because I said it’s so!
You should know by now Emory University policy is “No Tobacco!”
You can’t bring candy or cookies to the fourth floor library either
and you can’t complain about limitations to personal freedom,
so don’t even try that!
Where can I get my nicotine? Not from a Coke*…
(*registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Company, Atlanta GA)
No longer can I make my classmates choke.
Enough! Enough! Watch me take my last puff!
Enough of this negotiation, I have decided to enter smoking cessation!
James Dooley James Dooley, one question I got
Why do you want all this smoking to stop?
That’s easy to answer, how do you think I became a skeleton?