On Fire 9/27/13
1. Bennett Is Not Dead
On Fire would like to congratulate the man, the myth and the legend Bennett Ostdiek on getting tagged in a photo on Facebook.
Lizzie 47, Bennett 1.
2. Two-For-One Legends Special
Thursday was the final home game of Mariano Rivera’s career. He’s been on a year-long send-off tour, so ‘nuff said on that front. It is also going to be A-Rod’s last game of the season, as he’s going to skip the Yankees’ season-ending series against the Astros to lawyer up and prep for his Monday arbitration hearing.
He’s staring at a 211-game ban. That will take him through the 2014 season and into May 2015. The Home-Run-King-elect may have suited up for the final time Thursday. Mo’s retirement is leaving a void in the hearts of those entitled Yankee fans, while A-Rod’s presumed departure simultaneously nourishes the soul.
3. But the Dead (Retired Athletes) Will Re-rise
Mr. Brett Favre, everyone’s favorite gunslinger, is ready to make a comeback. Physically, that is. Favre is pushing 44, but his agent, Bus Cook, claimed Favre “could play today, better than a lot of them out there today.” Okay, so Bussy Bus was speaking at some event in Mobile, Ala., last Monday night, saying how Favre’s arms “look like blacksmith’s arms.”
Bus dropped some additional sugarplums for Favre fantasizers: he rides a bike 30 to 50 miles a day and runs four or five miles a day, weighing in at 225 pounds at 7.5 percent body fat.
True, the Jaguars need a QB, and a spot recently opened up on the Buccaneers. But ol’ Bus was just shooting the breeze on a serene Mobile evening … or was he? Either way, Favre is three years removed from the league, and dropping his name is still able to generate some good pub. His name is his name!
Since we are on the topic, what other big sports comebacks can we salivate over? Michael Jordan is an easy one. The GOAT is 50. As a player-turned-owner of the Bobcats, he was part of the hard-line wrecking crew click that demolished the players union in the 2011 lockout.
What would a comeback look like? Well, if he wanted to cushion some stats, MJ could just sign himself and be the Bobcats’ resident volume scorer. But we all know MJ is simply in it to win it. My god, how atrocious and awful yet enthralling would it be to see his Airness come off the bench for 15 to 20 minutes as a crunch time scorer/enforcer for the Heat? One shudders at the thought.
In baseball let’s get the Nolan Ryan Express to toe the rubber once more. It’s been nearly three years, and the guy is 66, but remember the cheese he was tossing in Game 1 of the 2010 ALCS. True, it was the ceremonial first pitch. But this guy was made to throw the ball.
Ryan debuted in 1966 and retired in 1993, pitching in an era with none of that arbitrary 100-pitch limit. I mean dayum. Like Mike, Nolan could only play in a limited capacity. We’re realistic around these parts. The only route the Ryan Express could manage would be a single inning, one-and-done inning of relief. But it would be an inning of pure Texas gas.
Forget the reported $135 million in potential lawsuit liabilities, Lance Armstrong has got to prove the haters wrong. His international career has been nonexistent since 2012, and it has since been revealed his actual career was, as he puts it, one big lie. But everyone cheers for the winner. Lance, call up the pharmacist, it’s time to double down. He did compete this past summer, but it was in the, yawn, Des Moines Register’s Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa.
4. In Honor of Homecoming, Eagles Ranked
5. A Fate Worse Than Death
Would you rather be Josh Freeman’s agent or Tim Tebow’s agent?