On Fire – 4/15/14

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After his victory in the Masters Sunday night, Bubba Watson celebrated in high style.

That is to say, he went to Waffle House and ate some hash browns.

Now, at first glance something seems wrong with this picture. After all, on Sunday Watson not only won the most prestigious tournament in all of golf, but he also became the 17th golfer in history to win two Masters and the eighth to win two green jackets in three years.

One would think that Watson, in fitting American style, would come up with a celebration that was bigger, grander, more ostentatious, more obnoxious, more legendary, more epic – basically, that he would have done something cool.

Dozens of different possibilities come to mind from your creative On Fire correspondent. If we are going to stick with the dinner theme, perhaps Watson could have gone to one of those steakhouses where you go out back and pick out the cow you want to eat, and they slaughter it right in front of your eyes – after all, you want to know that your meat is fresh.

Or how about seafood? The Masters takes place in Augusta, Georgia – only 2 hours down I-20 from Atlanta by car, and your mathematically-inclined On Fire correspondent is going to estimate only that it is a 30 minute helicopter ride at most.

Watson could have flown to Atlanta, stopped off at the Georgia Aquarium and picked out any fish that he wanted for his dinner. Yes, it definitely would not have been cool for him to pick out a dolphin or a penguin, but swordfish complements the taste of victory real nicely.

But why stop at food? The possibilities must have been nearly endless to Watson as he walked around Augusta wearing his green jacket.

If there ever was a night to blow all your money on strippers and cocaine, that was the night. If there ever was a night to find an abandoned barn, burn it down and do a tribal dance around it while emitting primal screams directed towards the deity of your choice, that was the night.

If there ever was a night to call up that girl who broke up with you in college because “You are never going to make it as a professional golfer, Bubba, and also give up your stupid dream of becoming a sports humor columnist, and anyway, what the hell kind of name is Bubba?” and tell her exactly what you think of her using words that we would feel more comfortable not printing in this column because On Fire is nothing if not family-oriented, that was the night.

But Watson – or Bubba, as we are going to start calling him, because that name is just too darn funny – did none of those things. He went to Waffle House.

Now, we have to give our friend Bubba credit where it is due – he is nothing if not consistent, and we at On Fire always have and always will value consistency.

The Masters has a tradition in which all the previous champions of the tournament gather together the Tuesday night before the tournament starts for dinner, and the most recent champion is responsible for picking out and paying for dinner.

When asked after his first victory in 2012 what he intended to serve for dinner next year, Watson replied, “I love Waffle House – a grilled cheese from Waffle House and hash browns.”

We are disappointed to report that Watson ultimately reneged on his guarantee. After extensive research, your intrepid On Fire corres secured the menu for every Champions dinner since 1986 (that is as far back as the article on ask.com goes).

For his dinner last year, Watson served Caesar salad as a starter, grilled chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes, corn, macaroni and cheese and cornbread for the main course and confetti cake and vanilla ice cream for desert.

Reportedly, the previous champions were not even allowed to pick out their own chicken and watch it be killed, to ensure optimum freshness. Our intern is still trying to determine whether or not Watson made strippers and cocaine available.

Come on, Bubba. Waffle House at Augusta National would have been awesome. But if you are not going to do that, at least do not serve Caesar salad.

But Bubba made up for it this year. Immediately after donning the green jacket, he jetted off to Waffle House for his hash browns. We at On Fire can think of no better way to celebrate. We only hope he ordered an all-star breakfast.