On Fire – 4/1/2014

We at On Fire have had a very successful year thus far. Disregarding our recent demotion to fifth place in the Wheel’s staff box rankings, we were recently ranked as the section of the Wheel with the best hair, and we won the On Fire Award for Excellence in Sports Journalism back in February.

Given these accomplishments, one would naturally assume that a multitude of eager young students, and perhaps even a few mid-career professionals, would inundate our offices with applications for the newly formed On Fire internship.

For purposes of confidentiality and shame we will not disclose the total number of applicants for the position. However, we are pleased to announce the hiring of Jenna Kingsley, a sophomore double majoring in Marketing and Creative Writing, as the On Fire intern.

“I felt nothing,” Kingsley said, when asked about the emotions that surged through her after she heard about her acceptance. “What is the On Fire internship?”

Kingsley possesses all the characteristics that we were looking for in an On Fire intern. She has a resume and a cover letter, and even almost 200 Dooley Dollars left.

“Well, I love the word squad,” Kingsley said, when asked what set her apart from all the other applicants for the internship. “Also, I have a very low prescription on my glasses.”

However, perhaps the most distinguishing part of Kingsley’s skill set is the fact that she fits perfectly into the sports team’s “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”-themed nicknames. Bennett is a restless warrior, Ryan a star-crossed voyager, Zak a wide-eyed wanderer and Nathaniel a king/vagabond.

But who fits in as the twisting kaleidoscope, the one that moves us all in turn? Clearly, Kingsley does this perfectly.

“What’s a kaleidoscope?” Kingsley said, when asked how she felt about her new nickname. “Never mind, just stop bothering me. I’m really close to figuring out 2048.”

We are very happy to have Kingsley on the team. Even if she has stopped answering our phone calls.