1. Chandler Parsons’ Balls
For all sakes and purposes, Blake Griffin is one of the best players in the NBA.
Your amateur sports-loving On Fire correspondent rarely watches the NBA, but both a Google search and a shout into the nearest room confirmed his or her suspicions.
What your On Fire correspondent does know is that the NBA is rapidly changing.
Different sorts of talents are necessary to become a superstar today than they were in the 1990s, when the preferred skill set included the ability to cameo in cartoon movies and defeat aliens and talents like long-range shooting, dunking and hitting other players in the johnson.
Yes, Blake Griffin is skilled in all of the aforementioned areas. When he is not making monstrous dunks for the Los Angeles Clippers, he specializes in hitting unsuspecting players like Chandler Parsons in the crotch. Last week, perhaps peeved at the fact that Parson’s Rockets were hanging around with his Clippers, Griffin walked slowly towards the bench and casually flicked at Parson’s cajones.
We at the Wheel in no way endorse ball-tapping, especially as a lowly display of poor sportsmanship in a tight basketball game. But Griffin’s rationale for his actions completely absolves him of guilt.
After the game, Parsons did what any true gentleman would do and took to Twitter, tweeting a video of the incident at Griffin with the comment “Seriously, dude?” Griffin, ever the quick thinker, responded, “Sprained my wrist and had to keep it moving… my bad didn’t even see you.”
Ball-tapping? Dastardly. But blaming it on a wrist injury? That’s the sign of a truly crafty competitor. Keep on keeping on, Blake Griffin.
2. Family Problems
College football’s annual National Signing Day occurred on Wednesday Feb. 6. The nation’s top recruits committed to the schools of their dreams, football coaches everywhere rejoiced over their freshmen classes and strange, creepy middle-aged men chronicled the ordeal on their social media accounts.
This happens every year and was very close to happening again in 2012, if not for a certain running back named Alex Collins. Collins is from Florida and had scholarship offers from Arkansas, Miami, Florida, Wisconsin and Florida State. He wanted to go to Arkansas. Alex’s mother did not want that.
Mama Collins refused to sign the necessary paperwork — on live television, at that — which brings up several questions:
1. Did mother and son ever talk about this decision beforehand? 2. Was this all an elaborately staged ploy for attention? And 3. Is Alex Collins four years old?
Mama Collins is now resolving the situation in the most logical way possible and taking her son to court.
3. Ole Miss
So what the f-ck is up with Ole Miss. Ole Miss is horrible at football, they seriously never win anything. There was that one year where they had Jevan Snead at quarterback and Mike Wallace at wide receiver and Dexter McCluster at everything. Jevan Snead was like so good and then he sucked his senior good.
But seriously, since then they have been horrible. For some reason they rocked it on signing day.
According to rivals they got three five-star recruits. Rober Nkemdiche makes sense. His brother goes to Ole Miss and his mom wanted them to play together. But, Laquon Treadwell? Laremy Tunsil?
We aren’t going to comment further on this topic — instead we will refer to Laquon Treadwell’s twitter. During his visit he posted a picture of him holding a bunch of $100 bills…
You’re my best frown
And I’m wearing a crown
You are my best friend you see
I could spend the rest of my life, just you, Swoop and me.
From day to night our love shall grow
Just like the pocketknife/Pocahontas tree mother Willow
We will skip into the moonlight
And dance under the stars shining bright