On Fire 2/18/14


So curling is awesome, is it not? Not to jump on the bandwagon or anything, but your independent-minded On Fire correspondent cannot stop thinking about what an amazing sport curling is.

That is not to imply that any of us here at On Fire actually know a single thing about curling, aside from the fact that it is part of the Olympics and athletes (is that too strong a word?) use brooms while competing in it.

But we love it anyway.

Why? The halls and green spaces of Emory are surely echoing with this word, as our loyal readers wonder why their truth-to-power speaking On Fire correspondent has joined the mainstream movement that is curling loving.

No one can deny that curling has moved out of the avant-garde and into the mainstream. As the Sports Genie so eloquently articulated two weeks ago, curling has long been the Olympic (activity?) that hipsters could claim to love, thus impressing everyone with their love of obscure sports.

But hipsters, your not-sorry On Fire correspondent is sorry to tell you that curling is no longer obscure. As an example, a significant part of curling’s appeal to hipsters was that no one actually understood what curlers (is that the proper term?) actually did with their brooms.

But now, people are even beginning to obtain a vague understanding of the rules (or at least realize that it is similar to shuffleboard).

To put it in even starker terms, the same people who eat at Applebee’s and listen to Nickelback now also watch curling.

That is bleak.

So, with all this being said, why does your On Fire correspondent love curling?

After all, part of the selection criteria for being the On Fire correspondent is your ability to stay on the cutting edge, and to always be seven steps ahead of the general public in terms of music, fashion and random sports.

This is because the On Fire correspondent is a position of tremendous influence and respect. The words that originally appear in these pages quickly become clichés as reader after reader repeats them to their friends and loved ones. With this immense power comes an immense responsibility to always be cool and never to be mainstream.

After all, we did not win the On Fire Award for Excellence in Sports Journalism for nothing.

In a quick aside, always being cool is not one of the selection criteria for becoming the On Fire intern — we literally only care about the number of Dooley Dollars and meal swipes that you have.

If you still do not know what you are doing this summer, consider applying! Resumes, cover letters and descriptions of your meal plan should be emailed to bostdie@emory.edu.

So, why does your On Fire correspondent love curling? It is because he (or she) has found a newer, more obscure way to enjoy curling. (Of course, once we tell our loyal readers about it then it will no longer be obscure, but that is the price you pay for influence.)

We are talking about cat curling.

Unfortunately, the cats are not doing the curling. That would be awesome. However, unfortunately our society has not yet advanced to that point.

So we are left with the next best thing. Instead of curling rocks (your curling-aficionado On Fire correspondent had to look this term up — apparently curling pins is not a technical term) curlers curl cats (do we get any points for alliteration?).

For all our PETA-affiliated readers out there, we will at this point clarify that the cats are not real. They were photoshopped into a video that you can find on the internet if you search “cat curling Youtube.”

So this phenomenon may not be real. But it is still really cute. And after your procrastinating On Fire correspondent has watched this video a dozen more times, he (or she) will rededicate his (or her) efforts to find a new obscure sport to ironically love, since the Applebee’s and Nickelback crowd has taken curling away from us.

Just like they took away minivans, soccer practice and Starbucks.

Perhaps that sport will be Extreme Ironing. For those of you who have not heard of it (since it is super-obscure, that is probably all of you), it is not only a sport but also performance art.

Now that sounds hip.