1. Happy Halloween
Your party-animal On Fire correspondent failed to have a wild and crazy Halloween night, only going to the President’s house (he was out of cookies, but there were postcards) before studying diligently for an upcoming midterm. Fortunately for your content-starved On Fire correspondent, the rest of the sports world is not quite this lame. It was one wild night.
Let’s start with Bryce Harper, the Nationals’ rookie phenomenon. He dressed up as a clown, complete with orange tights, a giant polka-dot bow tie and a rainbow afro. For those of you who do not get the joke, Harper famously responded to a reporter who asked him if he was going out for a celebratory beer after a game against the Blue Jays (the drinking age is 18 in Canada) with the line, “That’s a clown question, bro.”
First of all, props to Bryce for the witty retort. That is quick thinking worthy of your sassy On Fire correspondent. Second, the Wonder Kid also has a sense of humor. Not to mention being incredibly handsome. He has it all.
Of course, this does not even come close to comparing to the last time (to our knowledge) that Harper put on a costume. The Nationals’ veterans — mature, grown-up people that they are — haze their rookies every year. Last year, they were dressed up as smurfs. This year, the veterans went on the more patriotic side, and the rookies ended up as the U.S. Women’s Olympic Gymnastics team.
They were cute. Especially Harper. God bless America. Thanks goodness we took the Nationals out of Montreal.
2. Next up, The Rock.
The Rock dressed up as the Incredible Hulk, and, quite frankly, it was incredible. That man is jacked. Arms the size of your On Fire correspondent’s legs (and he or she has been hitting the gym lately too), pecs the size of your correspondent’s head and bulging veins that look like snakes.
Now, everyone knows that the ideal we all strive for, the reason why your correspondent hits the gym in the morning and the beach in the afternoon, is “jacked and tan.” Well, in this case, The Rock was jacked and green. And he rocked it.
Your intrepid On Fire correspondent has been unable to ascertain for certain if this incident was directly connected with Halloween or not, but it seems to be in the spirit of the holiday, if nothing else.
Our readers may be familiar with Bernard Tomic. For those who are not, he was supposed to be the next big thing in tennis. Described as “handsome and talented,” he has never seemed to live up to his potential. On the tennis court at least. In the game of life, which is what really matters, Tomic is certainly winning.
That is, if by winning you mean wrestling naked guys on a balcony at 5:30 a.m. In a hot tub. Described by a witness as “trying to kill each other.”
Many would see this as just another incident of Tomic wasting his talent away. For instance, he is being investigated for “hooning” charges, as described by an Australian newspaper (that is correct, your On Fire correspondent does not mess around when doing research).
The word hooning, which Word insists on auto-correcting to “honing,” and instantly brings cows to the mind of your hungry On Fire correspondent, means, according to Wikipedia, driving a car in an “anti-social” manner. Or, as in the case of Tomic, driving a $150,000 bright orange BMW.
The point being, Bernard Tomic is living the dream, and no one need to condemn him for it. For starters, he was wrestling a naked man at 5:30 in the morning in a hot tub on the balcony of a high-rise apartment complex. Ignore the wrestling part — the man was in a hot tub on a balcony at 5:30 in the morning! He is living the dream! What are ordinary mortals doing at this hour? Sleeping (though some may argue we are the people who are living the actual dream, so to speak).
Furthermore, clearly his antics pay off in the female department. Your lonely On Fire correspondent has looked at many pictures of Tomic’s girlfriend over the past hour (she is modeling a new line of swimwear), purely in the name of research of course. And, based on this research, she seems to be a loving, caring and interesting person. Good for Bernard.
From all of us here at On Fire, Happy Halloween.