Because On Fire did not appear in the Wheel for some time, your On Fire correspondent demanded in the Wheel‘s last issue that his editor clarify “Don’t call it a comeback.” in the column’s tag line.
Your On Fire correspondent has since been filled with great regret. Naturally, your On Fire corespondent’s loyal readers would be inclined to call it a comeback, and why wouldn’t they? Your On Fire correspondent did not fulfill his or her obligation to his or her readers. He or she did not explain why he or she is not making a comeback.
To understand your On Fire correspondent’s reasoning behind not wanting to hear the word “comeback,” we must briefly look to Michael Jordan.
Remember in “Space Jam,” when M.J. tried playing baseball? (Spoiler alert for those of you who don’t know your sports trivia, but he did this in real life).
To put it bluntly, Jordan sucked at baseball. His friends knew it. His kids knew it. Just about everybody but M.J. himself knew he sucked.
So how does this fictional Jordan come to the realization that maybe he should quit the sport he keeps failing in and go back to the one at which he is, uhm, the best of all-time?
Bugs freaking Bunny and the rest of the Looney Toons bring him to their looney, cartoon world to help them defeat a bunch of alien cartoons, who want to enslave them (because children’s movies should apparently take issues like slavery lightly), in a game of basketball. And it is through dunking on the “MonSTARS” that M.J. realizes he should make a NBA comeback.
Don’t get your On Fire correspondent wrong, “Space Jam” is a great movie. But your On Fire correspondent is not returning to his or her column because he sucked at the (undisclosed) other professions at which he was trying his hand. Nor did a bunch of children’s cartoons need to abduct your On Fire correspondent to get him to realize he was born for On Fire.
Rather, your On Fire correspondent simply could not write. While AWOL, he or she sat at a typewriter every night and imagined enlightening his or her loyal readers.
So, acknowledge that your On Fire correspondent discovered by himself or herself that he or she was made for this. And then go ahead and call it a comeback already.
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
The Wheel is financially and editorially independent from the University. All of its content is generated by the Wheel’s more than 100 student staff members and contributing writers, and its printing costs are covered by profits from self-generated advertising sales.
