1. “No Such Dame”
Notre Dame is the perfect school. Well, at least if you ask them. Their football team is the stuff of legends, the most “feared” and well-“respected” in the nation. That was until January, when Alabama tore them apart, running and passing all over them.
It’s chill though, because Notre Dame has this thing called moral high ground. They are all religious and stuff, which means they don’t party, have sex or anything boring and weird like that.
Not because they are weird virgins who couldn’t get a girl if they tried, but because they are upstanding, god-fearing men with morals and integrity. Except, apparently they are awkward losers with imaginary girlfriends. Well, at least their best player Manti Te’o is. Allegedly. Probably. Definitely.
Remember in November when Te’o’s girlfriend passed away right after his grandmother died? And right before she died, his girlfriend texted him to play against Michigan State anyways?
And then everyone wore leis and then Notre Dame won? And everyone was crying and Te’o almost won the Heisman, because the Heisman is more about a story then actual skill? Well, awk because apparently his girlfriend doesn’t exist.
Deadspin recently ran a story proving that Te’o’s girlfriend was completely made up on the internet. Everything about her. She never existed. The mastermind behind it? Someone close to Te’o.
According to Deadspin’s sources, there’s an 80 percent chance Te’o was in on it. According to common sense, he was definitely in on it.
The kid told intimate stories to the media of the two meeting and being together, which is impossible, you know, because she doesn’t exist and stuff.
We think that Carlos Medina, producer at 680 The Fan in Atlanta, said it best when he tweeted, “Notre Dame guys make up girlfriends. Alabama guys slam Miss America #scoreboard.”
Sucks to suck, Notre Dame. I mean, your campus is pretty cool, and you have a good signing class for next year, so hopefully they aren’t psycho freaks who make up dead imaginary girlfriends for attention.
Now that the whole Manti Te’o story broke, we don’t really want to talk about anything else. I mean, there’s that whole Lance Armstrong thing where he is confessing that he doped to Oprah.
But c’mon, really? We’ve all known that for so long at this point, it’s ridiculous. Since when are we supposed to give a s–t about cycling.
Maurice Clarett resurfaced this winter break. His girlfriend beat him up, and there was a warrant for her arrest. Not sure if that’s worse than having your fake girlfriend fake killing herself, but pretty damn close.
3. (Potential) Bad News for The Dog Lovers
The Eagles have landed their fish. Out with Walrus Reid and in with Chip “per Jones” Kelly. Is Kelly one of the greatest offensive minds in football who is bringing the heavy to the National Football League? Who knows. We’ll see.
Most importantly, of course, Kelly’s hiring has led pundits and whatnot to speculate how it will affect Michael Vick’s status. Previously it seemed he was on his way out. Now? Maybe the Eagles’ brass will unleash the hounds.
A Vick-less NFL is a diminished NFL. This is the absolute truth. And it would be such a shame to see him bounce out of the league with the emergence of the read option in NFL offenses, which to this casual observer seems to align quite well with Vick’s skill set.
Alas, if only Vick came along in 2012 and not 2001. Imagine though. Blur. Vick. McCoy. DeSean. NFC Conference sixth seed, let’s go.
4. HOCKEY IS BACK
A special thanks to the hockey gods for the return of the NHL season. While the football season has truly kept us on the edge of our seats … nothing is more exciting than the thrill of an NHL game, a win-or-die overtime period.
So all of you hockey players stuck in the depths of a Russian/Czech/Bumf–k European winter, welcome home to the greatest country on Earth.
NHL Hockey is back, and we couldn’t be happier!