Horoscopes for Jan. 25th

Aries

Aries, you’re the poor soul who will have a huge assignment due the Monday after the Super Bowl or your favorite awards show. If you don’t watch football or awards shows, then you’re the professor, and you should revise the syllabus.

Taurus

Your procrastination is already getting out of hand, so I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine. You know, your medicine? Due tomorrow? It counts for a quarter of your entire grade? Why are you still watching kitten videos?

Gemini

This will be the kind of week where you will come back to your own room after class and work, wanting nothing more than to put on pants with an elastic waistband (or no pants at all) and indulge in your favorite TV show.

Cancer

You’ll need a little encouragement this week, so drop hints to your friends that you would really appreciate it if they wrote a gushing, long-winded Emory Compliment about how you are the wind beneath their wings.

Leo

Oh, Leo, like Leonardo DiCaprio at awards shows, you have been underappreciated and have not been given credit where credit is due. Which is a shame, because you’re a genius, like Leonardo da Vinci. And you’re good with a katana and love pizza, like Leonardo the Ninja Turtle. I don’t really know much about Leos other than these three

Virgo

Frankly, a lot of your conversations start with “I saw this thing on Instagram —” Turn off your computer. Real life can be inspiring too. So take a picture of real life with your phone, Instagram that picture with some inspirational text on it, and post it to Tumblr. People love that kind of thing.

Libra

You have a crush. It’s a big one. All-consuming, makes you sigh, fills your heart with glee, the works. But you get a nagging feeling that they only like you for your money. I want to give you advice, but all I can tell you is no, for the last time, you cannot be in a relationship with Netflix.

Scorpio

No matter your political beliefs, you will offend someone deeply this week. Even if the most controversial thing you say is, “I’m going to go with Honey Nut Cheerios instead of regular ones.” Somebody’s mother died when a Honey Nut Cheerio fell on her head, you insensitive jerk.

Sagittarius

This is not me being judgmental, but if you’re a Sagittarius and a serial dater, you may want to re-think your life choices. You know who else is a Sagittarius? Taylor Swift. And you don’t even get millions of dollars from your serial dating habits.

Capricorn

Speaking of zodiac signs, Capricorn, let’s settle this here: what on Earth is your Zodiac sign? It’s a goat, yes, but with a fish tail? I’ll address your problems, Capricorn, but first we must deal with this mer-goat you have for your symbol. What is so wrong with a normal goat, astrologists?

Aquarius

You’re celebrating your birthday right now, or you will be soon, you lucky duck. Have fun, stay safe and don’t do anything that will cause one of your friends to submit a passive-aggressive Emory Secret about their disappointment in you.

Pisces

There will be something fishy in your life, Pisces. Be it a carp load of homework or herring someone gossip about your most recent flounder among your grouper of friends … okay, this pun stopped being funny a while ago. Have a good week, Pisces.

Horoscopes by Grace Cummings