Horoscopes: January 18

Aries

Welcome back! Hope you relieved a lot of stress over break, because the upcoming semester is going to be more difficult for you than a Swahili crossword puzzle.

Taurus

Everybody’s fed up with your attitude, Taurus. This semester is a chance to turn things around. If you’re not sure what to say in a given situation, try to figure out what Jesus would say, translate it to English and go with that.

Gemini

Starting a new semester can be intimidating, but don’t worry. Nobody is watching, except for your parents, your professors and hundreds of classmates.

Cancer

I know it feels like you’ve been alone forever, but don’t give up hope! That special someone is right around the corner! And even if you don’t wind up finding a soulmate, don’t fret — lots of people don’t and still manage to be happy. Just look at Mother Teresa!

Leo

Being a Leo is just about the worst possible thing you could be this year, what with President Obama’s upcoming socialist policies that will force all Leos to pay for new gun control laws by purchasing mandatory health insurance from abortion clinics. THANKS, OBAMA!

Virgo

There isn’t much to say about Virgo this week. Try not to fall down a flight of stairs, I guess.

Libra

After weighing all the different advice I wanted to give my Libra readers, the tip I settled on was this: if you’re going to submit an Emory Secret, please check first to make sure it doesn’t sound like an angsty seventh grader wrote it.

Scorpio

My advice for Scorpio Emory students is related to the advice I gave their Libra counterparts: if you’re going to post a comment on an Emory Secret, please proofread first to make sure your comment doesn’t make you sound like a paint-chugging psychopath.

Sagittarius

Honestly, it might not be a terrible idea for you to avoid Emory Secrets altogether. We know how you are with words, after all. You know what, why don’t you just stop posting things on the Internet in general? I think that’d be for the best.

Capricorn

The next time you’re in an argument with somebody, try looking at things from their perspective. Maybe they’re just having trouble expressing themselves (it’s not their fault that they’re a Sagittarius). Or maybe they’re actually wrong. Worth a shot, though.

Aquarius

The last time things looked this bleak for my Aquarius readers was the last time I did the horoscopes. I don’t have anything against Aquarians, I promise! If I could stop the meteors from hurtling in your direction, I would. But unfortunately, being able to converse with the heavens does not mean I am capable of bossing them around.

Pisces

By the time I get around to writing Pisces, the stars are usually pretty tired out from sharing all their secrets with me. This week is no exception. I’ll give you what I can, which isn’t much: beware the color orange. Hope that helps.

- By Justin Groot