Horoscopes 4/19/13

Aries

They (“they” being a lady named Jessica Hische) say, “The work you do while you procrastinate is probably the work you should be doing for the rest of your life.” I have seen your destiny, Aries, and you should not be blankly scrolling through the Internet for the rest of your life.

 

Taurus

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive an Emory Compliment? How about a Horoscope Compliment? You are smart, funny, kind, talented and amazing, Taurus reader. Refer back to this horoscope as needed.

 

Gemini

Other horoscopes may call you two-faced, Gemini, but I have more faith in you than that. You’re gregarious and meet a lot of people in a day, so you’re bound to come across a few jerks. Just choose your vent venue wisely.

 

Cancer

Some might tell you to “follow your heart,” but your brain knows that your heart’s purpose is to pump blood, not make decisions. If you’re pre-med, I sincerely hope you already knew that.

 

Leo

Something happening with the planets tells me that you need to reconnect with someone important in your life. Call a family member, grab coffee with an old friend, just do something that reestablishes a human bond. Something. Anything.

 

Virgo

If you want interesting things to happen to you, Virgo, then be interesting. You’ll be much happier if you cultivate a hobby rather than vegetate when you relax. The Internet and your favorite TV show will be right where you left them, perhaps on the same device.

 

Libra

I have good news and bad news. Good news first, you will feel an uptick in your energy levels this week. Bad news, you have to put it towards school. Wait, you wanted bad news first? Then, the syntax doesn’t work, you silly goose.

 

Scorpio

Have things been a bit more, ahem, “Thrift Shop” than “The Good Life” lately, my darling Scorpio? Use your natural tenacity to find a skill you have that you can sell. Then, maybe you can purchase better taste in music.

 

Sagittarius

There will be some troubles with your partner soon. I don’t necessarily mean a romantic partner; it could be a lab partner, a dancing partner or a partner with whom you make soap and host fight clubs. Patch up that relationship soon, but if this partner relationship is the latter, it may not end well.

 

Capricorn

Career-oriented Capricorn, remember to dress for the job you want and not the job you have. If you want to be a firefighter or astronaut, though, that gear is tough to wear in a cubicle. Also, steer clear of Disney Princess dresses.

 

Aquarius

Disappointed about where you are in life? Just be thankful that you’re not in the situation the game MASH said you’d be in when you were twelve. How would you fit the 45 kids that you have with the Backstreet Boys in a shack, much less the Volkswagen Beetle you apparently own?

 

Pisces

Find a useful skill you can provide people with, even if it doesn’t have to do with your major or your career path. No, sarcasm is not a skill. Yes, some people need to hear some sarcasm sometimes, and we all know it. But these people also won’t provide you with anything useful, so be on your merry way.

 

Horoscopes by Grace Cummings

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