Horoscopes 3/1/13

Aries
Don’t worry about the sequester, Aries. Worry about this semester!

Taurus
Yeah, sometimes you have it bad. But for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, supermodel Kate Upton had to be photographed in Antarctica. In a bikini. Let’s all have a moment of silence for her, um, extremities.

Gemini
If you’re the type of person who only puts on sweatpants when you know you definitely won’t be sweating, try working out a couple of times this week. Note: I said “try,” not necessarily “follow through.”

Cancer
Whatever you do, give 100 percent.  —110 percent, if you can manage. The only place where this doesn’t apply is giving blood.

Leo
Sometimes life trips you up. Sometimes life trips you up on your way to get your Oscar. What matters is how you handle falling down and getting back up again. And if Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper come to your rescue. Oh dear, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, gentlemen… !

Virgo
Feeling bad that you go to Emory because of recent scandals? Well, Duke has had racist parties and Harvard recently had a cheating scandal! See, we’re not so bad … except we still kind of are.

Libra
Check everything you eat this week for horse meat, just to be safe. Even if you’re vegan. Even if you’re on a hunger strike. Someone’s probably trying to taint the air you breathe with horse meat right now.

Scorpio
Your age is starting to catch up with you and you just want to relive your childhood. Well, here’s a fun fact to ruin that feeling: “The Little Mermaid” is 24 years old, “Beauty and the Beast” is 22 years old, and “Aladdin” is 21 years old this year. And “The Lion King” will celebrate its 20th anniversary next year, to boot. Don’t even get me started on the age of your favorite Nickelodeon shows.

Sagittarius
You’re very clever, Sagittarius. No one can pull the covers over your eyes. Except you. When you crawl into bed and go to sleep. Why do you sleep with the covers over your eyes, weirdo?

Capricorn
Blood may be thicker than water, but there are a ton of things thicker than blood. Maple syrup, for instance. Now try telling your family that pancakes are more important than they are.

Aquarius
Don’t worry, Spring Break is just around the corner. “Corner” here meaning “midterms.” Spring Break is just around the midterms . . . Never mind. That’s a lot less comforting of a thought.

Pisces
Dance to the beat of your own drum, Pisces. Like the first person to dance in a Harlem Shake video. Just don’t dance in a Harlem Shake video, that ship has sailed around the world several times and is dropping off the “Gangnam Style” guy at its next stop at the Port of Irrelevancy.

—By Grace Cummings