The stars have spoken, and the secrets of your destiny are at your fingertips! Prepare for the painful truth as presented in Student Life’s freakishly insightful Horoscopes!
Aries
You’re busy. But get some sleep. Right now. I’d hate for you to act like the Superdome after the halftime show in one of your classes.
Taurus
Treat your significant other with love and tenderness this Valentine’s Day. Even if your significant other is your cat, your Xbox or your “1,001 Sweet Treats to Make for Cheap” cookbook and not a person.
Gemini
It’s Black History Month! I hope you knew that without me telling you. This horoscope will be a piece of trivia (and you’ll have to read the horoscope of another zodiac sign for the answer – oh, the humanity!) Question: What major American city was the first to have a black mayor?
Cancer
Admit it, Cancer, you “hate-watch” TV shows that you consider to be “guilty pleasures.” C’mon, you’re better than this, and your time is valuable. You could be watching good TV shows.
Leo
Mercury is in retrograde or something, so that means your love sector is being influenced by Pluto, which is a dwarf planet, so that means your love life was demoted in 2007 by astrophysicists. Yes. Yes, that sounds legit.
Virgo
You’ve had a lot of brain farts this week. You may need to adjust your brain’s diet. Cut back your supply of junk media and try consuming some healthy scholarly journals. Your brain can’t afford to have all that brain gas bubbling up in there.
Libra
No matter your academic discipline, this next week, sound smarter and more driven by adding “for science” to the end of your sentences. “I’m going on a date … for science!” “I’m going to eat this Taco Bell … for science!”
Scorpio
Scorpio, will you be my Valentine? … Oh, you already have a valentine? I see. I just thought it’d be cute to ask someone to be my Valentine in this horoscope. Well, this is awkward.
Sagittarius
In the northern states, winter storms are getting names. Meanwhile, you’re fretting because it’s warm here. You packed your warm-weather clothes and took them home before Winter Break, thinking you wouldn’t need them. It is a crazy world we live in, isn’t it?
Capricorn
Answer: Cleveland. No, this isn’t random. Remember ‘Cleveland’ and read the Black History Month question in Gemini’s horoscope. Now go win friends and influence people.
Aquarius
Your style horoscope calls for wearing sweatpants. Seriously. If your crush is really your true love, then he or she will appreciate the real you.
Pisces
What’s all this Valentine’s Day nonsense? You’re excited about “The Walking Dead” coming back this Sunday. Your relationship with “The Walking Dead” is the greatest love story of our time.
–By Grace Cummings
The Emory Wheel was founded in 1919 and is currently the only independent, student-run newspaper of Emory University. The Wheel publishes weekly on Wednesdays during the academic year, except during University holidays and scheduled publication intermissions.
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