If you’re feeling down, Aries, just remember that you have a superpower. You’re an Emory student! Wait, what superpower did you think I would say? Honestly, my second choice was invisibility. Wouldn’t that be cool?
Barely three weeks into the semester and you’re already spending as much time in the library as Lindsay Lohan spends in court. Relax a little this weekend, but don’t spend as much time in the club as Lindsay spends in . . . well, the club.
This week will be pretty normal for you, Gemini, so just read these horoscopes and add “in bed” at the end of them. Have fun this week … in bed.
Your childhood is calling. Indulge in cartoons, retro video games and sugary snacks when you get some downtime, but don’t forget to do the dishes and take out the trash. We’re all grown-ups here.
You’re curious as to what zodiac sign is most compatible with yours. Here’s a hint: Leo is compatible with everything. Everything is potentially compatible with everything. Are you really going to rule someone out because they have a May birthday or something?
Perfectionist Virgo, I have a thought that will scare you: graduation is closer than you think. Even if you’re a freshman. It’s coming. Now just try and sleep this week.
Your favorite team is not in the Super Bowl, so you’re just trying to pick which team you hate least. My pick is for the Boston Red Sox. Actually, no, I think the New York Nets will win. I just have a gut feeling this year.
You claim to only like the Super Bowl for the halftime show and the commercials. Well, okay, the commercials. And only the Volkswagen and Dorito commercials. Maybe not even the Volkswagen commercial this year. Screw it, you don’t care about the Super Bowl at all, you only care about Doritos.
You will come into some money this week. Or you won’t. See, now no matter what happens, what I told you won’t be wrong. Similarly, you will meet the love of your life this week. Or you won’t.
You hated the strange weather this week, but so did everybody else. Hate something original. No, not your fellow humans. That’s definitely not original, plus it makes you an awful person.
You skipped all the way to the bottom just to read your horoscope? Well, here it is: you’re selfish, Aquarius. I work hard on these. If nothing else, go read Libra, Cancer and Gemini, I particularly like those.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, February snuck up on you like the first “r” in February. Don’t rush into anything, and just remember that Feb. 14 is just a day like any other day. Take, for instance, May 25. That date doesn’t make you nervous, does it? It should — that’s my birthday, and I expect something grand.
—By Grace Cummings