You would think a mother-daughter pair in matching shirts would be sad enough. When the shirts have Robert Pattinson’s pale features plastered on them, it makes you wonder if perhaps humans will be extinct in a couple of years after all.

When two “New Moon” actors walked out onto the stage in the courtyard of the Mall of Georgia, I was almost stampeded by a swarm of savage females desperate to get as close as possible to the so-called celebrities. “These aren’t even the big stars. What’s the big deal?” I muttered softly to myself for fear that one of the girls might bare fangs if she heard my sacrilege.

I am not a fan of “Twilight.” In fact, I generally sneer reflexively at the mention of it. I picked up the book while working as a lifeguard in the summer of 2008. In retrospect, I must have been suffering from heat stroke. Who was the enabler that told Stephanie Meyer she could write? I know more about female coming-of-age than Meyer does. I hate these characters. Bella has no personality; Edward is creepy and his clan is so darn negative. The writing sinks underneath the weight of the overwhelming emotion in every sentence. At about page 150, I quit.

The “Twilight” movie was even worse. I did make it to the end, although I fell asleep at one point. I don’t think Meyer takes the books terribly seriously, but the film tried to make her story more emotionally realistic. In between the cheesy special effects, it was a grungy look at modern teenage life and its angst and urges. This is a difficult feat with shallow writing and wooden actors.

Despite my disgust for Bella, Edward and all their otherworldly chums, I jump at the chance to study social phenomena, so I was up for going to the “New Moon” mall tour last week in Buford. The slow drive through metro Atlanta’s rush hour evaporated any residual goodwill I had for “Twilight,” but I was cheered that at least I wouldn’t have to see Pattinson and Taylor Lautner make Derek Zoolander expressions all evening.

The main attraction of the tour’s Atlanta stop was the appearance of two supporting actors from the movie. There was Jamie Campbell Bower, who plays an evil vampire named Caius, and Edi Gathegi, who plays yet another evil vampire named Laurent. These two were certainly not Pattinson, who was gracing the suburban Chicago mall I frequent with his presence that evening. But Bower and Gathegi had spoken to, perhaps even touched Pattinson, making them deities by association to these overfed suburbanites.

The two actors were signing autographs inside the mall’s Hot Topic store, and there was a massive line of females of all ages and the occasional good-natured dad waiting in line to be the first 500 fans who would gain acceptance into the store to meet the two actors.

I used my press credentials to get by the shell-shocked Hot Topic employees garbed in “New Moon” merchandise just so I could get a glimpse of the sort-of celebrities doing the signing. Bower and Gathegi looked much less enthused than the fans they were giving autographs to. Apparently they didn’t realize the magnitude of the fact that they had worked with Lautner.

The signing was followed by a question-and-answer session that was open to the public. Bower is younger and a bigger heartthrob than Gathegi but they both have impeccable skin and the ladies seemed to love them equally. The adoring shrieking was deafening. What was fascinating was how much these ladies varied in age, from middle-school to middle-aged screamers.

The questions asked at the session were not the most intellectually stimulating. They included: “Will you hug me?” “Will you marry me?” and “Jamie, is it true you’re going to be in the next ‘Harry Potter’ movie?” There were a few unfunny reprimands from audience members to the two actors for being “mean vampires.” I resisted the urge to ask the actors for their thoughts on the current quagmire in Afghanistan.

Midway through the question-and-answer session came the fateful question that I had been waiting all night for. A hyper-caffeinated high schooler asked, “So, what’s Robert Pattinson like?” The two actors said in unison, “Ugly!” Everyone had a good chuckle about the joke, and the actors assured the audience that good old Rob is a marvelous chap. I prefer to think the joke masked some true bitterness on the part of the supporting actors.

The oddest moment of the night came when, at the request of an audience member, Bower, who is apparently a singer as well as an actor (aren’t they all?) showed his pipes to the audience — by singing Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA.” I’m more receptive to Miley’s tunes than the average heterosexual male, but I was still freaked out. I suppose Bower figured that the audience wouldn’t know any opera.

After the actors left, the crowd dispersed. I walked back to my car behind a mom and her teen daughter. They were giggling together, talking about the books and what they were looking forward to in the movie. I suppose it’s the escape this trashy franchise provides from the cold, hard everyday world that enraptures multiple generations of women.

I’d rather take my chances with reality.

— Contact Joel Dobben.