Halloween may very well be the worst holiday. Everyone moans
about Valentines Day and those who absolutely hate trees gripe
about Arbor Day. But the holiday that really gets my goat is
Halloween. For a guy, it’s pretty much impossible to do
Halloween right. Picking a somewhat original costume that will make
your friends laugh and won’t completely make you look like a
tool is pretty tough. Speaking of which, there are some really
terrible Halloween costumes out there. Here are the top 10 worst
Halloween costume ideas I’ve heard being tossed around in the
past week.

10. Sick and Tired: Wear a bicycle tire around your neck and put
a thermometer in your mouth. If you are wearing a bicycle tire
around your neck, then good luck man. As for the thermometer, why
not go the whole way and insert it somewhere else?

9. Peter Pan: Here’s one that absolutely blew my mind
away. When trying to figure out what to wear, a pretty respectable
friend of mine said: “Your name is Peter, why don’t you
just tape a kitchen pan to your chest and be Peter Pan? Get it?
Peter … Pan?” I immediately ran to the sink, vomited
and considered breaking all ties with this individual. We then
discussed the movie “Hook” and its cinematic brilliance
and decided we could be friends again. “Rufio!!!”

8. Piece of Gum Stuck to Your Shoe: You dress in all pink and
attach a shoe to your head. This one really crossed the line. Too
stupid to comment on further.

7. Cereal Killer: You take a bunch of empty cereal boxes and
stick plastic knives in the sides and attach them to your body. So,
technically, you are killing cereal. What? When this one was
mentioned to me, I immediately thought of all the wonderful
breakfast cereals in the world (Clusters, Honey Bunches of Oats,
Apple Cinnamon Cheerios) and imagined them dead. I thought of all
the good times we’ve had, both with and without milk, and the
thought of them as extinct really struck an emotional chord.

6. Chip Monk: You dress in a monk’s robe and hot-glue
potato chips all over your body. Whoever thought of this one is
about as guilty as Kobe Bryant when it comes to terrible judgment.
The idiocy of hot-gluing potato chips to yourself is just too much
for me. Mid-Halloween night, do you start eating yourself? Terrible
costume.

5. Little Red in the Hood: You wear a red bandana, a red
“hooded” sweatshirt and baggy pants. This is one of
those situations that just straddles the line between racist and
stupid. Imagine putting this costume together and actually walking
in public. The sad part is, that in some Midwestern suburb, a
father is sending his son out wearing this costume and telling him
to make some ridiculous gesture with his hands when he says the
word “hood.”

4. Pot Head: You wear a kitchen pot on your head. This one is
just absolutely offensive to anyone with a brain or self-pride.
First, the ubiquitous drug reference is about as corny as the
“$20 bill on weed” joke, and second, you will be
wearing a pot on your head. That is just stupid.

3. Smartie Pants: Take a bunch of Smarties candies and glue them
to your pants. First off, why were Smarties ever considered good
candy? They definitely do not belong in the canon of great candies
as they have historically been placed. They belong in the
“Why are these candies considered good?” league with
Necco and Hershey Special Dark.

2. A Shower: While watching “Karate Kid” for the
30th time this weekend, I came up with two conclusions. First off,
William Zabka (who plays the villain in this film (Johnny
Lawerence), the bully in “Just One of the Guys” (Greg
Tolan) and the hated fratboy in “Back To School” (Chaz
Osbourne)) deserves a spot on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his
work as the greatest ’80s movie villain of all-time. Second,
Daniel Larusso’s Halloween costume — the Human Shower
— was absolutely horrendous.

1. Myself: The lamest costume of all. The guy who is too
cool/lazy to even put forth an effort. This dude wears lots of
Burberry and isn’t too secure. By not putting on a costume at
all, you are really the biggest loser of the night. Wear something,
even if it means gluing potato chips to your chest. At least you
won’t go home hungry.