Editor’s Note: This week, A.J. couldn’t come up with an idea for a humor column. Luckily, firstname.lastname@example.org, the e-mail account we set up last semester to collect your questions, has been slowly piling up with submissions ever since. This week, instead of a typical humor column, we hereby present Episode One of A.J. Answers Your Questions.
Writer’s Note: For the record, readers, this was not my idea.
I’m pretty sure my roommate hates me. What should I do?
First of all, you sound pathetic. Chances are, if you’re the kind of person who’s afraid your roommate hates you, then they probably do. So, your best option is to apologize for everything. For any movement, noise or slight disturbance you make, be sure to apologize as much as possible. Also, if your roommate ever disagrees with you, immediately fetch the RA. I don’t know. I already don’t like you.
At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?
Did America ever ask, “Which prairie is ours?” No. We Manifest Destinied. If you’re a real American, all the armrests in the theater are yours.
Why does Emory have so many loose bricks around campus?
To answer this question, I’d like to tell you a story about my life. One time, I was directing a play called “The Tempest.” My actors kept getting drunk, so by the time we were supposed to open, we hadn’t rehearsed Act 2.
Now, being a clever director, I hatched a plan to just play the movie for the second half. When we realized that violated certain copyright laws, I decided the best course of action was to rewrite the second half, but since my actors kept getting drunk during intermission, I had to write a second half that drunks could also perform. Suffice it to say, after our production, they closed the drama department.
Hope that helps.
I’m a sophomore and feel like I’m too old to join Greek life, but I like totes still wanna be invited to the parties. How do I get invited to Greek parties without rushing?
I have no idea. If you’re a girl, I think you just get to walk in. If you’re a guy, then make friends with someone in a frat. If you don’t know how to make friends, you probably shouldn’t go to parties, or better yet, go to Model UN parties. It’s sort of a catch-all for people with social disorders, and it’s a great place to pitch your own solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. But if you really feel the need to go to a Greek party, I think you can just show up. I don’t know. I’ve never been to a Greek party at Emory.
What do I do if my baby is crying?
Rub a little whiskey on the gums.
Who is Marco Rubio?
Marco Rubio is the junior Senator from Florida. He is best known for selling water bottles.
Should we raise the minimum wage?
No. The best way to put dollars in the pockets of the poor is a wage subsidy.
Which gym class should I take next semester?
I hear Northwestern offers a great volleyball class.
I graduate this year, and I don’t have a job lined up. I’m thinking about fleeing to a small country somewhere to avoid the wrath of my parents who just finished spending $200,000 on my education. Where would you recommend?
The Cayman Islands. It’s a great place to hide a dubious investment, and, kid, if there’s one thing you are, it’s a dubious investment.
Dealing with a problem? Looking for advice? Submit questions to email@example.com and receive the same treatment as the poor individuals above.
Disclaimer: Student Life not responsible for butthurt incurred as a result of terrible advice given by its columnists.
— By A.J. Artis